This Isn’t Working Out

I am giving fitness my best shot.

Or at least a shot.

Taking group classes like barre, yoga, pilates, and basically anything that doesn’t require large amounts of cardio, has been an interesting experience.

Most instructors are great motivators. Seeing the perfectly toned, tanned, pinnacle of #health, usually motivates me to stop dreaming about pasta long enough to push myself harder than my usual pace of a line at the DMV on a Saturday. Meanwhile, I show up to their class probably late, wearing 1 of my 3 workout outfits, broken water bottle in hand, and definitely wheezing if I was required to take the stairs.

My issue with fitness instructors? They think I have a MUCH better sense of self-awareness than I actually do. While facilitating the workout, I have heard some of the most ridiculous directions and I want to know if I’m the only one that looks around the room like:

*Bridge Hip Raises* “Pretend your knees are water guns. Instead of pushing your hips up, roll your knees forward”

Okay so how much control do you think I have over my knee caps, chick? I can bend them, or straighten them, not arm myself for a backyard pool party.

“Tuck your ribcage under your chest bone”

I was unaware this class was geared towards members of Cirque du Solei ???

“Imagine a short string is tied from your belly button to your spine”

Is this a horror movie and are you about to murder me? lmk

“Push yourself!! Only 8 more and then you’re done!………………….with this specific set and then we’re going to do a combination of all of the moves we just did hehheheehe”

You are satan’s mistress and if you think I’m above screaming in public, think again.

If you want to, you can modify this move to this [continues to demonstrate a move that defies all laws of physics and gravity.]

mmkay yeah I’ll stick to my child’s pose here, sis.

Cycle instructor: *sees that I am having a near death experience on level 3* “Come on you can bring that up to level 40!”

Yeah, he said F-0-R-T-Y…


I thank all of the wonderful instructors out there, and thoroughly apologize for my astounding lack of rhythm, coordination, balance, and overall sense of where my limbs are.


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