Spin Class

Why I Thought I Would Enjoy Spin Class:

  1. Only 30 Minutes
  2. Upbeat Music
  3. Other people seemed to like it
  4. You can sit down! But it still counts as working out!!!

What could possibly go wrong?

You heard it here first: absolutely everything went wrong.

Why I Actually Thought Death Was Upon Me During Spin Class:

  1. All of the 30 minutes were spent not knowing what the HECK I was doing. What is an RPM? Why is the room flashing red? I can’t hear anything. When do we get water? My ankle will physically detach from my leg if my foot slips out of the pedals again. Is the humidity level in this room supposed to discourage breathing, or…?
  2. I barely know how to ride a regular bike, so what made me think I could maneuver this death trap is beyond me. Apparently I have knock-knees or something, because my knees would hit the knob that controls the weight you pedal with–aka: “Oh you feel comfortable with 20? SURPRISE! You will now lift a million pounds, AND you now have a bruise.”
  3. The upbeat music? You mean the super-speed show tunes that play in the background of Transformers having an all-out BRAWL? There were four different tempos I was supposedly trying to follow. The instructor spoke with real confidence, but I had no clue what she was saying. She did keep saying “roll!”, and although I am sure it was meant to inspire and motivate me, it just made me think of a Pillsbury crescent roll.
  4. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of a flashmob that I wasn’t a part of. Sit down! Stand up on your bike! But also keep pedaling at the same time while maintaining enough balance to stay on your bike! Keep your hips forward! (????) Arms straight! Or did she say “don’t keep your arms straight”? Chest up!

I can see why people might enjoy it, but from my point of view, it was like I accidentally joined a bike race, that took place in an EDM club somewhere in the depths of hell, while numbers (that were much higher than the ones on my screen) were screamed at me.

In conclusion, if you are hard-core cardio fanatic and enjoy being yelled at while loud music is playing, while trying to stay alive on a contraption- spin class is calling your name. Freakin’ 90-year-old Hilda is next to me strapping on her custom-made spin boots like she’s about to saddle up for Le Tour de France.

Me? I will stick to yoga and barre (but mostly the couch with my friends: Ben & Jerry).

This Isn’t Working Out

I am giving fitness my best shot.

Or at least a shot.

Taking group classes like barre, yoga, pilates, and basically anything that doesn’t require large amounts of cardio, has been an interesting experience.

Most instructors are great motivators. Seeing the perfectly toned, tanned, pinnacle of #health, usually motivates me to stop dreaming about pasta long enough to push myself harder than my usual pace of a line at the DMV on a Saturday. Meanwhile, I show up to their class probably late, wearing 1 of my 3 workout outfits, broken water bottle in hand, and definitely wheezing if I was required to take the stairs.

My issue with fitness instructors? They think I have a MUCH better sense of self-awareness than I actually do. While facilitating the workout, I have heard some of the most ridiculous directions and I want to know if I’m the only one that looks around the room like:

*Bridge Hip Raises* “Pretend your knees are water guns. Instead of pushing your hips up, roll your knees forward”

Okay so how much control do you think I have over my knee caps, chick? I can bend them, or straighten them, not arm myself for a backyard pool party.

“Tuck your ribcage under your chest bone”

I was unaware this class was geared towards members of Cirque du Solei ???

“Imagine a short string is tied from your belly button to your spine”

Is this a horror movie and are you about to murder me? lmk

“Push yourself!! Only 8 more and then you’re done!………………….with this specific set and then we’re going to do a combination of all of the moves we just did hehheheehe”

You are satan’s mistress and if you think I’m above screaming in public, think again.

If you want to, you can modify this move to this [continues to demonstrate a move that defies all laws of physics and gravity.]

mmkay yeah I’ll stick to my child’s pose here, sis.

Cycle instructor: *sees that I am having a near death experience on level 3* “Come on you can bring that up to level 40!”

Yeah, he said F-0-R-T-Y…

PHOEBE

I thank all of the wonderful instructors out there, and thoroughly apologize for my astounding lack of rhythm, coordination, balance, and overall sense of where my limbs are.

Slide1#lifestyle #gym #doingmybest #happytoB #fitnessinstructor #barre #yoga #pilates #cycle #fitness #help #lol

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