My Toxic Traits

Toxic traits: We all have ’em. As long as you stay near the “annoying” side of the scale as opposed to the “possible serial killer” side, you’re probably good to go and laugh at yourself.

Here are a few of my many toxic traits:

I blast Christian radio when I’m stuck in traffic to help with road rage

I’m less likely to call someone a “hairy-chested inbred” if I’m listening to people singin’ about Jesus.

I mix up the words “flavored” and “scented”

I went into Bath and Body Works and told the lady I loved vanilla flavored candles at check out. I think she knew what I meant, but in case she’s reading this— I swear I don’t eat the candles.

I have 40 aaaalmost empty bottles of shampoo and conditioner in my shower

Marie Kondo would be ashamed. I understand it’s a problem–but I also understand that I 100% intend to buy more shampoo, and 0% intend to throw any away yet.

My response to the third alarm going off in the morning? “I SEENT IT”

Out loud. And every morning, I am just as surprised when that sentence comes out of my mouth…

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I take the remote with me when I get up to do something, only to leave it near the tv.

*Finally gets comfortable in bed after 40 years of shifting around* *spots remote sitting across the room* DANG IT.

I have 4000 unnecessary keys on my keychain

Over here looking like a janitor for a 17 story building: Gym pass, work building pass, house key, car key, bull key chain?, bottle opener I got for free at a UT football game freshman year, mailbox key, mystery key??? , broken key, parents’ house key…

Spin Class

Why I Thought I Would Enjoy Spin Class:

  1. Only 30 Minutes
  2. Upbeat Music
  3. Other people seemed to like it
  4. You can sit down! But it still counts as working out!!!

What could possibly go wrong?

You heard it here first: absolutely everything went wrong.

Why I Actually Thought Death Was Upon Me During Spin Class:

  1. All of the 30 minutes were spent not knowing what the HECK I was doing. What is an RPM? Why is the room flashing red? I can’t hear anything. When do we get water? My ankle will physically detach from my leg if my foot slips out of the pedals again. Is the humidity level in this room supposed to discourage breathing, or…?
  2. I barely know how to ride a regular bike, so what made me think I could maneuver this death trap is beyond me. Apparently I have knock-knees or something, because my knees would hit the knob that controls the weight you pedal with–aka: “Oh you feel comfortable with 20? SURPRISE! You will now lift a million pounds, AND you now have a bruise.”
  3. The upbeat music? You mean the super-speed show tunes that play in the background of Transformers having an all-out BRAWL? There were four different tempos I was supposedly trying to follow. The instructor spoke with real confidence, but I had no clue what she was saying. She did keep saying “roll!”, and although I am sure it was meant to inspire and motivate me, it just made me think of a Pillsbury crescent roll.
  4. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of a flashmob that I wasn’t a part of. Sit down! Stand up on your bike! But also keep pedaling at the same time while maintaining enough balance to stay on your bike! Keep your hips forward! (????) Arms straight! Or did she say “don’t keep your arms straight”? Chest up!

I can see why people might enjoy it, but from my point of view, it was like I accidentally joined a bike race, that took place in an EDM club somewhere in the depths of hell, while numbers (that were much higher than the ones on my screen) were screamed at me.

In conclusion, if you are hard-core cardio fanatic and enjoy being yelled at while loud music is playing, while trying to stay alive on a contraption- spin class is calling your name. Freakin’ 90-year-old Hilda is next to me strapping on her custom-made spin boots like she’s about to saddle up for Le Tour de France.

Me? I will stick to yoga and barre (but mostly the couch with my friends: Ben & Jerry).

Alexa, I’m bored. What should I do?

Being in your early twenties means you are still expected to do “things” after work/ on the weekends. It could be a Monday, Thursday, or a Friday and you will still have someone in the group text asking “Anybody want to grab a drink?” Whether it’s because your wallet is slowly withering away to nothing, or because you have been dreaming of getting back into bed as soon as you got out of it this morning, you’re staying in –and happy about it.

If you can’t find the password for your cousin’s ex-boyfriend’s daughter-in-law’s Hulu/Netflix/Amazon Prime account, here are some tips to avoid boredom while you indulge your introverted side.

Decide on your go-to karaoke song

My personal favorite is to pretend I know all of the words to “Killing Me Softly”. Why? I have no explanation. I can hit approximately 0 of the notes. Sorry neighbors.

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Look up home renovation projects.

Coming from a girl who used a high-heeled shoe as a hammer to put up curtain rods, we all know this isn’t going anywhere. But hey, at least now you know that, in case of an emergency, you know how to retile a bathroom?

Look up how to poach an egg.

Honestly… does anyone even know?

Take ~100 personality tests on Buzzfeed

I mean, how do you really know yourself if you don’t know what type of bread you are?

Look up any ailments you have on WebMD

Hi yes, 911? I thought I just had sweaty eyelids, but it looks like that’s a definite symptom of volcanic ash poisoning, I think you should send an ambulance.

Decide who would play you if there was a movie about your life

I think I would be played by Betty White if I’m being totally honest. But hey– I’m open for suggestions!